Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Gentleman Sherlockian's Elementary Watch

"Don't miss a new episode of Elementary -- CBS next!"

Hallo, gentleman Sherlockian here, watching Elementary for all of you Sherlock Holmes fans who would rather not do so! I would endeavor to give a spoiler alert here, but spoiler alerts are for those occasions when you might spoil someone's enjoyment of a quality entertainment that they are going to delight in later. Since this is the gentleman Sherlockian's Elementary watch service you are indulging in, we will assume you understand that isn't a possibility, and are leaving the chore to me.

Mr. Elementary's AA sponsor is back in this episode, this time showing Joan Watson how to steal cars. He's a lovely character, and a real loss to the show since his single episode appearance some months ago. Before that, we had a six month's ago flashback of a woman getting pushed in front of a subway train and a look at Joan getting the call to go work with Mr. Elementary. But the flashback is over without being interesting, the sponsor's scene gets over too quickly . . . blah, blah, blah, Mr. Elementary insults a client for no reason other than he's a proper ass.

And Mr. Elementary's quote of the week: "The human face, Watson, is like a penis."

Yes, he actually said that. An excrement joke about lawyers earlier, and now he's saying "penis." Somewhere those lads Beevis and Butthead are having a grand old time, chortling away like clubmen at an elite devotee supper.

Joan Watson has a female friend, by the way, who is extremely ordinary and uninteresting, but keeps turning up for minor relationship scenes to show she's Joan Watson's friend. If she isn't going to die, she really doesn't belong in the episode. I suspect she's going to die.

Allow me to introduce Boffin, my gentleman's gentleman, who is going to sit in for me and watch this week's episode for a bit. Say "hullo," Boffin, and take the wheel . . .


. . .

Boffin! Oh, the help these days! Joan Watson is getting caught trying to steal a car, and Boffin was watching . . . what was that? Law and Order? Forgive me readers, it seems that this simple service I am trying to provide does come with some obstacles. Oh, look, David Letterman has Gerard Butler this evening.

Well, dear Joan got arrested while investigating her own case. Mr. Elementary is apparently going to help her, and I have cut out several fine photographs of Victorian London from a 2006 calendar. The latter fact has . . . oh, my, Mr. Elementary really should consider a more clean-shaven look. The heavy stubble emphasizes his cretinish qualities, making the bare flesh of his forehead more prominent, and . . . well, to put it bluntly, less frontal development than one might expect.

Ah! The conclusion! Mr. Elementary uses the phrase "a modicum of success" about Watson's case, paying homage to Roger Moore, Mr. Sherlock Holmes in New York, who liked to use the word "modicum" as well. Well done, Mr. Elementary! Roger Moore is among the seven greatest James Bonds of the cinema!

And that ends tonight's Elementary watch, for those of you who would rather not watch Elementary. Remember the gentleman Sherlockian's Elementary watch guarantee: Leave the watching to me, and you won't miss a thing! Truly. Not a thing.

Goodnight, everyone!


  1. Hi Brad,hope all is well in your world... you seem to have such a strong dislike for this program. Its weird that for something that appears to have the same effect as something discovered on the bottom of your hob nailed boots, you spend an awful lot of time considering it at all...if the show is that bad, don't watch...telling others why you laugh in the face of this attempt at Sherlock, could make a viewer feel like they must be dumb, or at least not as smart as you, and are wasting their time......for whatever reason, your disgust at anyone other that Rathbone, or Brett or Cumberberger or Sir Roger portraying the Master is strong enough to compel me to continue to watch the show just to see what all the vitriol is directed it is not classic entertainment, its network fodder...someone decided to make an attempt at doing something kinda sherlockian, to some small degree of bet is the show cant last too much longer, unless the rest of your reading audience decides to watch, just to find out whats so bad about it....but isnt there anything you would rather spend your time doing? I find anyone that attempts to do anything kinda sherlockian is at least paying homage to the great one, altho they would have to fall short of Basil, J Brett and Mr. Cumberfrt...( COMPUTERS COULD REANIMATE J BRETT AND ID BE PLEASED)anyway any body that expends the energy you do to dislike an attempt sometimes will cause others to in fact check out what you consider so vile. Is it Victorian for men of letters to be so dismissive, so curmugeonlike. Everyone must to have an opinion, but your reviews tend to make me wonder, if my taste is in question, since I have begun to look forward to an hour of sleuthing with a twitchy excentric and a John turned Joan?

  2. That was... yawn... really exciting, wasn't it?

  3. My good Sir,
    What an excellent column! I do not know what Ms. Ketelsen is yawning about! You have out-done yourself! Good show, jolly good show! Ah, here's that darn period key. I especially like that comment about Miller having less frontal development than expected; just like Holmes himself, eh wot?
    The improvement from 2 March is most remarkable! And gratifying! I shall be reading your column regularly from now on.
    Most sorry to read about Boffin! Indeed, good help is hard to find! He's not that same chap I read about in The Sun? Spending too much time with that "confirmed bachelor" roommate, no doubt. I'd sack him.
    Please forgive the delay in replying. Been quite busy. Philately can be such a trying hobby.

    Yrs truly,

  4. haha, sherlockians are such assholes

  5. I think we have here an elitist here who instead of making people want to have a conversation about something can only snub it.