"Don't miss a new episode of Elementary -- CBS next!"
Hallo, gentleman Sherlockian here, watching Elementary for all of you Sherlock Holmes fans who would rather not do so! I would endeavor to give a spoiler alert here, but spoiler alerts are for those occasions when you might spoil someone's enjoyment of a quality entertainment that they are going to delight in later. Since this is the gentleman Sherlockian's Elementary watch service you are indulging in, we will assume you understand that isn't a possibility, and are leaving the chore to me.
Mr. Elementary's AA sponsor is back in this episode, this time showing Joan Watson how to steal cars. He's a lovely character, and a real loss to the show since his single episode appearance some months ago. Before that, we had a six month's ago flashback of a woman getting pushed in front of a subway train and a look at Joan getting the call to go work with Mr. Elementary. But the flashback is over without being interesting, the sponsor's scene gets over too quickly . . . blah, blah, blah, Mr. Elementary insults a client for no reason other than he's a proper ass.
And Mr. Elementary's quote of the week: "The human face, Watson, is like a penis."
Yes, he actually said that. An excrement joke about lawyers earlier, and now he's saying "penis." Somewhere those lads Beevis and Butthead are having a grand old time, chortling away like clubmen at an elite devotee supper.
Joan Watson has a female friend, by the way, who is extremely ordinary and uninteresting, but keeps turning up for minor relationship scenes to show she's Joan Watson's friend. If she isn't going to die, she really doesn't belong in the episode. I suspect she's going to die.
Allow me to introduce Boffin, my gentleman's gentleman, who is going to sit in for me and watch this week's episode for a bit. Say "hullo," Boffin, and take the wheel . . .
. . .
Boffin! Oh, the help these days! Joan Watson is getting caught trying to steal a car, and Boffin was watching . . . what was that? Law and Order? Forgive me readers, it seems that this simple service I am trying to provide does come with some obstacles. Oh, look, David Letterman has Gerard Butler this evening.
Well, dear Joan got arrested while investigating her own case. Mr. Elementary is apparently going to help her, and I have cut out several fine photographs of Victorian London from a 2006 calendar. The latter fact has . . . oh, my, Mr. Elementary really should consider a more clean-shaven look. The heavy stubble emphasizes his cretinish qualities, making the bare flesh of his forehead more prominent, and . . . well, to put it bluntly, less frontal development than one might expect.
Ah! The conclusion! Mr. Elementary uses the phrase "a modicum of success" about Watson's case, paying homage to Roger Moore, Mr. Sherlock Holmes in New York, who liked to use the word "modicum" as well. Well done, Mr. Elementary! Roger Moore is among the seven greatest James Bonds of the cinema!
And that ends tonight's Elementary watch, for those of you who would rather not watch Elementary. Remember the gentleman Sherlockian's Elementary watch guarantee: Leave the watching to me, and you won't miss a thing! Truly. Not a thing.