Sherlock Holmes had an elder brother named Mycroft, whose powers of observation and deduction were even greater than his. I have a particular sibling who shall remain anonymous, including whether said sibling is older or younger, whom I invited to join me in viewing the most recent episode of CBS's Elementary, which I had yet to see. (Why do I keep calling it "CBS's Elementary," now that it's an established show in its third season? Credit where credit is due, for better or worse.)
I wanted to see what reaction someone with my basic genetics would have to the show. A bit of alcohol was involved, but only a bit, and that only acts as an honest-opinion-enabler, in any case. What follows is a transcript of that watching, with the occasional comment from the good Carter or myself.
So without further ado, let me present the Keefauver sibling on CBS's Elementary:
A little laugh . . .
A whisper. "What are you typing?"
"I have trouble coping with the dull routine of existence. I wouldn't say I abhor it."
"I'm trying to sleep." (Carter)
"I like his shirt. Very Stylish. The young people are wearing checks these days. His pants are a little tight. I'm not sure how I feel about the tight pants thing on men."
"They all have got tight pants, don't they?"
"Just type 'absolutely futile.'"
"I hate commercials. I don't hate many things."
"They're not going to rest . . . they're not going to rest until they find him."
"Basically, I don't think I care about this show."
"I appreciate the effort at fellowship, but I'm not really getting into this."
"I don't know why I thought this was a Sherlock Holmes thing. Is he going to come in at some point?"
I point out that Holmes and Watson are both in the show already, and have been for some time. After I get done silently laughing hysterically, of course. Seeing Mr. Elementary proven unrecognizable as Sherlock Holmes in even this little experiment is a lovely validation.
"Oh, is that them?" (Joan Watson and Detective Bell are interviewing a client.)
"This is like 'Where's Waldo?' It's 'Where's Sherlock?'" (Carter)
"There's an aloe vera plant in the window."
"Is she going to do kung fu? It's not racial, she's done it in movies!"
"Is she Watson . . I mean Holmes . . . is he Holmes?" (Kitty Winter and Mr. Elementary are on screen, and by process of elimination, we've finally found the show's "Holmes." I particularly liked the Kitty Winter guess.)
"Was Sherlock Holmes gay? This show is insinuating it. It's the suit."
"Just put 'can you be a snappy dresser and be hetero?'"
"I love commercials. Did I tell you that?"
"Do you want me to tell you how to make cornbread in a cast iron skillet? You could tell your people that. Oh, the show's back on."
The bird sanctuary lady is discoursing on things a bit like Sherlock Holmes would do. This show has so many people who serve as Sherlock Holmes. (That was me. I think she's fallen asleep. No, wait, sibling is moving one foot. The appendage, not the measurement.)
Sibling makes horse clopping noise.
"That was not good." (On the second cop killing, not the show. Yet.)
"You take two tablespoons of butter. You put it in a skillet in a four hundred degree oven. You take two cups of corn meal, two teaspoons of baking powder, one teaspoon of baking soda. Mix that up together. You take honey and drizzle it over that dry mix, as much as you would like. Then you take your fork and incorporate that in. It incorporates very nicely. Then you put one egg in. Now you're ready for your moisture. You put a cup and a half of half and half, of cream corn, of chilis, whatever moisture. You can get creative with your moisture. You can use buttermilk. You take your hot butter out, swish it around the pan, then dump the extra in your batter, mix it around a little bit, then put the batter in the hot skillet and put it back in the oven. Twenty-five to thirty minutes. Four hundred degrees."
"You're going to lose followers on this one."
"I'm sure you'd have chafing on your finger from taking your ring off and putting it back on." (That struck me as an overkill attempt at an observation myself. Still, I'll give Miller points on his delivery on this one.)
Why is Joan Watson an apparent partner to Detective Bell this episode? This show has the weirdest relationship between cops and detectives I ever saw. (Me again.)
"What is he doing? I wondered when his pipe was going to come into this story." (Blow pipe for meditation, three pipe problem . . . perhaps the most interesting modern upgrade to the Canon the show has done in three seasons. Joan Watson, however, still comes up with the revelatory detail.)
Hey, this armory raid is actually kind of exciting. How did that happen on this show? (Oddly, me.)
Mr. Elementary sulks while Joan Watson finds the key piece of evidence. Detective Bell goes off and catches the perpetrator with a little panache.
"It's a stupid show. If you text 'knock, knock' it doesn't mean they're there and going to answer their . . ." (Long complaint ending with beginning to sing the theme to Big Bang Theory.)
The show is over soon, and after a long weary pre-Christmas-eve day, there's really not much to dwell on. I have noticed it getting better at being a TV show this season, but there are so many intrinsic flaws in the basic build of the show, I doubt it will ever ascend past a certain level, which, in truth, isn't expected of a CBS police procedural.
But at least one would hope a show purporting to be about Sherlock Holmes would let it be about enough that a casual viewer could pick him out of the cast before the fifteen minute mark without help . . .