Yes, Victoria, that is the sound of Conan Doyle spinning in his grave.

Oh, I should know better. I really should.

And you should, too, gentle readers, for if your sensibilities are in any way dainty or delicate, you may want to skip this particular blog entry. I cover the Sherlock Holmes beat here at Sherlock Peoria, and it's not always pretty. So *TRIGGER WARNING!*  -- now's the time to run, cover your eyes, or whatever if you want to keep your old school image of Sherlock Holmes fandom quite Victorian.

But really, the day when we can try to parse ourselves away from any portion of Sherlock Holmes fans and remain in the world is disappearing, so you might want to buck up and stare into the abyss with me . . . if you're not already there.

Rolling through podcasts this afternoon, I decided that the latest Savage Lovecast was, perhaps, a little too centered on male genitalia for my mood of the moment, so I moved down the list to the most recent Three Patch Podcast: Episode 40: Sexpisode 3(some). If ever there was a real "not thinking it through" decision, that one was certainly it.

I enjoy Three Patch, because it's a bit challenging of my old-white-male mental boundaries, just as wandering about a new-fangled Sherlock con will do. But to be dropped into a con panel right in the middle of an ordinary Peoria afternoon . . . well, PFOOOT!, mind blown.

The podcast starts quietly enough, with some very straightforward news reports. But then comes the "Sexy Head Canon" panel from this year's GridLOCK DC.

At some points, I felt like I was listening to an extended version of the Aristocrats joke. At other times, I felt like I was trapped in a seedy bar watching old friends being raped on the pinball machine.  "NO!" I'd mentally cry, "DON'T MAKE SHERLOCK HAVE SEX WITH SO MANY PEOPLE!" Suddenly one starts thinking Holmes went to a place devoid of emotion just to endure fandom's turning his mind palace into a brothel. In the course of one fanfic, relationships are built, physical relationships evolve . . . or just happen. But the machine-gun pace of partners and sex acts of a well-run con panel on the subject. YIKES! Leave Mama Holmes out of this! (Thankfully, she was only paired with Mrs. Hudson . . . but with baby Sherlock in the next room. Ay-yi-yi!)

Were that entire room gender-swapped, and it were male voices one was hearing speaking about slutty Shirley Holmes and her incestuous sister Michelle among other topics, I suspect someone would involve the police, or at least call it out on the court of social media. And were I a woman (or, honestly, a man), I'd give a wide berth to the owner of any voice I heard on that panel of men. But thankfully, they weren't men.

The thought of listening to an old Victrola recording of Christopher Morley and Vincent Starrett speculating on the circumference of Irene Adler's areolae or pudendum size, however, might have some entertainment value as they were clever fellows, and there is some cleverness in the Three Patch patch, don't get me wrong. I just don't think we were ready for Rex Stout discussing the physical details of his "Watson was a woman" thesis until we crossed the millennium mark. And a lot of folk aren't ready now. But it's out there, if that's . . . . interesting?

Well, enough of me being an old biddy for one evening. On to watch some of the great new shows on Thursday night. (I have hopes for The Player.)