Less that ten days, people. And I don't think we're prepared.
On Friday, March 23rd . . . Thursday, March 22nd, if you catch the first showing night . . . Sherlock Gnomes hits theaters. The biggest Sherlock Holmes movie experience since 2015's Mr. Holmes. And we're going to have opinions.
Do we re-watch The Great Mouse Detective to prepare? No, that would probably level-set a little too high for a movie with a farting character named "Mankini" who wears a thong/wrestling singlet thing to show off his butt. (And for the love of John H. Watson, don't google "mankini" now! You won't find the worst of the internet, but you sure won't find its best.) Watching Gnomeo and Juliet might serve you better in that respect.
Because if you watch the movie that came before Sherlock Gnomes . . . which was, as the name implies, based on SHAKESPEARE, for pity's sake . . . you might see what to expect of this one, which is based on Conan Doyle's works.
But here's the other part: Before you run to the theater, prepared to tear this thing to shreds in your review, as there will surely be ample evidence to prosecute such a case, one must stop and remember that someone is going to love this film. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But twenty years from now? You're going to run into that adult who developed a fondness for Sherlock Holmes at age five thanks to this movie.
Going troll on Sherlock Gnomes is a lay-up with a stepladder. For this thing to be un-mockable it would have to bring a level of movie game few American animated films have ever achieved. (Yes, yes, Pixar. But, we're talking the sequel to Gnomeo and Juliet here. I actually reviewed it online in the guise of "Sherlock Holmes IV, Consulting Movie Detective" back in 2011 at the same time as Just Go With It and I Am Number Four, and I don't remember any of those three movies.
So what if we all decide now that, like the Charge of the Light Brigade, we . . . oh, for the love of John H. Watson, don't ever listen to Alfred, Lord Tennyson reading that poem on Edison wax cylinder on the Wikipedia page -- it's terrifying! . . . were was I, besides being the most distracted blogger ever? Oh, yes, suggesting doomed campaigns . . . .
What if we ready ourselves to make lemonade out of lemons on this sucker? The preview plainly has Sherlock Gnomes and Watson in a boat chase vaguely reminiscent of The Sign of Four. And that squirrel disguise Gnomes uses is like that one time Holmes disguised himself (you choose). And Watson is voiced by Chiwetel Ejiofor, who was Mordo to Benedict Cumberbatch's Doctor Strange, which wasn't quite his Watson (more like his eventual Moriarty, but not just yet).
There's the real challenge! Finding something to redeem all the Mankini jokes filling the preview.
Whatever approach you decide to take, you have just over a week to prepare yourself.