On the fifth day of Reichenbach, my true love gave to me . . . .

At this late date, one might wonder what might drive a non-Elementary lover like myself to watch the latest season finale of a show I find so little value in.

I myself could not imagine such circumstances arriving. But upon finding myself residing for the evening in a room with someone who had watched well over three hours straight of the "Learning Channel" show Sister Wives, I was rather desperate to come up with an excuse -- any excuse, however flimsy -- to change the channel. Did not Jefferson Hope give his life to save us from such stuff? Did not Conan Doyle raise awareness of bigamy's pitfalls high enough? As a known fan of some stories that feature the name "Sherlock Holmes" -- a name used with one of Elementary's characters, the CBS show seemed a ready motive for grabbing the remote.

And what did I find there? (Spoilers, if you're in a situation to be spoiled.)

Apparently, Elementary was following actual continuity from its previous episode for the finale, instead of wandering off on its typical procedural attention deficit disorder. It had something to do with Jamie Moriarty's organization, taken over by a Professor Vikner after Moriarty went to jail.

"You bested the head of this organization once before," Mr. Elementary's father, Morland Holmes, told him tonight in a moment of encouragement. I don't think Morland had read the Elementary wiki,  which tells it more like this:

"When she (Jamie Moriarty/Irene Adler) discovered that Sherlock (Mr. Elementary) was not a real threat to her other operations, she staged Irene's death . . . and resumed her business as Moriarty. Jamie was unaware of Sherlock's subsequent descent into drug addiction, and showed genuine regret when she found out about it."

It was actually Joan that eventually got the better of Jamie Moriarty, I seem to recall. But I may be wrong, having not dedicated much brain-space to retaining that bit of trivia. And Swiss waterfalls were not in the show's budget, nor a trip to Bart's, so Jamie survived to go to prison.

Tonight we learned that Morland Holmes was being considered as Moriarty's replacement when she went to prison . . . because criminal empires always recruit from the outside to fill management spots, I'm sure . . . and was Professor Vikner's arch nemesis, hence the attempt on Morland's life some time ago that Mr Elementary was getting around to thinking about solving.

Mr. Elementary doesn't seem to think his father is capable of being a criminal mastermind, even though he seems to act like he is quite a bit of the time.

At some point, I started wondering if Jamie Moriarty would send Mr. Elementary and Joan another letter from prison, as she has in the past. It's a little ironic that Jamie is mainly missing because her more popular show over on HBO is on the same night as Elementary now, and all of America awaits her getting her dragons on.

But no Jamie letter was forthcoming. Instead, Professor Vikner was murdered by someone who thought Morland would be better at running the Moriarty organization, and Morland agreed to take the job to protect Mr. Elementary and Joan from its evil ways.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Instead of bringing down the criminal empire, Mr. Elementary just let his dad take it over and keep it away from New York. Not sure why, as even Jamie Moriarty didn't think Mr. Elementary was a threat to the organization earlier.

And then, blah, blah, blah, anyone he ever loves will be in danger, so here, Joan, have a safe house that looks like a penthouse apartment, but, no, why would anyone want a penthouse apartment, blah, blah, end of season, blah.

The one detail that is slightly intriguing about this rather dull mess was that Mr. Elementary's father basically had Jamie Moriarty's baby daddy murdered. Happy Mother's Day, Jamie. If you ever get your dragons together, you might want to send one Morland's way. It will make as much sense as anything else in this LOVELY SHOW CHERISHED BY MILLIONS OF VIEWERS.

Elementary, giving hope to young men everywhere that a Natalie Dormer lookalike may come sleep with them until she figures out they aren't a threat to her criminal organization.