Do only pretty Sherlock and Johns get to be gay?

Today's blog post brought to you by Summer Doldrums. Summer Doldrums, drying up activity by a certain point in the summer since late July.

With the recent bit of Johnlock controversy and a chance encounter with Robert Downey Jr.'s version of Sherlock Holmes, the thought occurred: "What if Guy Ritchie turned out to be the one who had a secret plan to turn Holmes and Watson into lovers?" Somehow, Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law suddenly seemed much more viable candidates. RDJ doing his awkward drag bit and Jude Law seeming just so uncomfortable-like-really-he's-hiding-something. And then I thought, "Well, if we're going into movie couples, then what about Rathbone and Bruce?"

Yeah, probably not a lot of fanfic porn involving Nigel Bruce, but you know that people do love a challenge, so there has to be some. Nigel Bruce's Watson seems like he barely understands how men and women make babies, so gay might be a little ambitious for him. (Him and that cookie jar, though, there is a love for the ages!)

But what of the others? Anybody ever rank movie Holmes-Watson pairs for level of possible romance?

Christopher Plummer and James Mason. If these guys are a pair, Mason-Watson would seem a candidate for taking Plummer-Holmes under his wing at an earlier age.

Nicol Williamson and Robert Duval. Now this is a complex and interesting pairing of a Holmes and a Watson, with Sigmund Freud on hand to help with any relationship work Watson needs and Samantha Eggar as a Mary Morstan Watson who might understand the whole situation.

Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley. There could be a lot of fun to be had here. These two could actually make a fun, out-of-the-closet Holmes and Watson movie even now.

Robert Stephens and Colin Blakely. As much as Holmes puts on that act for Madame Petrova, his Watson is far to much a homophobe ever to get his act together. He's the George Costanza of their universe, and even though he might have his orientation questioned by others, he's stuck solidly in the mud.

Christopher Lee and Patrick Macnee. Hanging around Morgan Fairchild, at this point, does not seem like a straight guy thing. They totally make a couple.

Ben Syder and Gareth David-Lloyd. Might as well be Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. 'Nuff said.

Edward Woodward and John Hillerman. Having a hard time picturing them being straight.

Jeremy Brett and Edward Hardwicke

versus

Jeremy Brett and David Burke.

With Jeremy Brett, we even have room for a gay Watson and a straight Watson. (And, during some drug-fueled erotic dream, a Holmes/Watson three-way.) Who is whom? Which is what? My poor mind can't even get into this one.

Arthur Wontner and Ian Fleming? John Barrymore and Roland Young? William Gillette and Edward Fielding? Can there be that much subtext in black and white? Not my area of expertise. (Like any of this is.)

James D'Arcy and Roger Morlidge. D'Arcy's Holmes is one of the sluttier straight Holmeses, so much so that he could be a complete hedonist. He'd probably go for Watson, too. And speaking of which . . .

Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu. The creators of Elementary are so insistent that these two's love is forbidden that it practically makes them candidates for a gay relationship. (A little additional apparatus, and voila!) Miller's character is so strange about his relationship with women that men might work better, though Lestrade would just be too strange and Bell . . . well, something a little piquant about just the names in a Holmes/Bell relationship. But I'm sticking to the transgressive making-Holmes-and-Watson-gay-somehow for this one. (Like I say, a little additional apparatus, possible surgery, and . . .)

Summer doldrums. What are you going to do?