Last night, the fourth annual John H. Watson Society Treasure Hunt dropped, and the competitors are already hard at work, filling their August with eighty-one questions that, if anything like last year, will vex them for weeks to come. Being a naturally competitive spirit, this year I have decided to abandon my team for one morning and attempt to be the first to answer every single question in this test of Sherlockian wits in an amount of time you will surely find simply astonishing.
Ready to see it? Herewith the answers, starting time 6:53 AM.
1. His breath.
3. Breakfast syrup.
5. Sole and heel.
8. John, Rose McGowan, a shillelagh.
9. A picture.
11. Elvis. Graceland. Orange Crush.
12. Viking funeral.
13. Printed stationery heading.
14. Rebuilt churches.
16. His umbrella. (Family friendly alternative answer.)
17. Buzzing flatulence.
18. The lady doctor said "no."
21. Flat tire.
22. Bald chin.
24. The throne.
25. Sign 4.
26. Pretty girls.
27. A rare comic book.
28. Charles Rigby. Strawberry fields.
30. Boxer rebellion. Fighting dachshund.
31. Deep-fried morel.
32. Freckles. Wendy and Roy.
33. Sperm count.
35. Caucasian peni.
36. His neighbor girl when he was eight.
37. The Adventure of Whoops, There It Is.
38. Right. And right.
39. Some rapper. I don't know.
40. A movie theater or a meat locker.
41 Charles Chingrabber.
42. The Yankee Peddler.
43. Moses. The Sign du Four.
45. Small hands.
46. Bow tie.
47. Jean and Joan and who knows what.
48. Fobby Granger.
49. Van Goff. Cardboard box. Golden earrings.
50. Radar Love.
53. Dr. Milton Hefferin.
55. Of Seven Gables.
56. Bordello Sal.
57. Johnny Sailboat. Sand.
58. Justin Beiber.
59. Marla Maples. Larry, Moe, and Joe Besser.
60. The Fifty-headed Irregular. Beer and soda.
62. Her gender.
64. Jabez Mary Foodcourt. Jabez. Mary. Foodcourt.
65. A baby.
66. Fat-eyes Flanders. Optometrist visit.
67, The Thames. John Openshaw.
68. Amos. Bertram.
69. Beety McBeetface.
71. That shadow is crazy.
72. Aunt Flow.
73. Mary Morstan.
74. Up Sheet Crick.
76. The Pitcher of Eumaclistes.
77. Post three-way pregnancy.
78. Arthur Conan Doyle.
79. Granny Smith.
80. Hair tonic.
81. "My first name is 'Grandpa.'"
THERE! DONE! 7:23 AM, August 1st. A whole half hour.
The gauntlet is thrown!
Postscript! OH, NO, THE PRINTER CHOKED AFTER THE FIRST FIVE PAGES! THERE WERE NINETEEN MORE QUESTIONS! ONWARD!
82. His identical twin brother with the Tapanuli Fever.
83. Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
84. "Mmmm, hookah!"
85. Four limbs.
86. Beety McBeetface and Hothead Hannigan. Blooderific.
87. The restaurant closed hours ago.
88. In the toilet. After Violet Smith turned out to be the Wonder Twin that could turn into water.
89. "Fig" Newton and the monkey from "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
91. That corner at the end of "Blair Witch Project."
92. The horse. He hated that horse.
93. That he lived in New York, used heroin, and liked hookers.
94. "Too Loose" LaTrek.
95. Abraham Lincoln. The real Abraham Lincoln.
96. Habit of nude Tuesdays.
97. John H. Watson
98. Have a society named after him.
99. Kinky Friedman. Ratzo.
100. Abner Doubleday.
DONE! BEAT THAT, CANADA! (Or Italy. Or India. Or Minnesota. Or any other nation that is probably going to outscore us when the month is done.)