EDITOR'S NOTE: At his request, Don Murillo, the "Tiger of San Pedro" and "the most Canonical man in the Canon, will be reviewing CBS's Elementary for Sherlock Peoria this season. As the rest of the staff at Sherlock Peoria quit watching the show last season, we could not help but take advantage of his generous offer, spoilers and all. Take it away, Don Murillo! (No, really. Take it far away.)
Let Don Murillo begin his review of this new fifth season of Elementary by saying this: I am one who never believed the media conspirators who have put forth that Joan Watson was a man named John. The corrupt Conan Doyle was paid handsomely by the media barons of Mrs. Beeton's Christmas Annual, Lipincott's, and The Strand Magazine to alter Joan's writings starting in 1887, an industry of falsehood that was passed on from generation to generation to this day! Even such female transcribers of Watson's discovered notes have betrayed their own gender with this myth, going so far as to detail Watson's use of a penis all across the internet! Joan Watson had no penis!
And yet, as a gentleman of culture, I cannot relate how it is I know this to be true.
So it is that I, Don Murillo, greet with all joy, CBS television's five-year campaign to expose the truth to American without exposing the Watsonian genitalia! And what is it that these champions of the Watson present to Don Murillo this October of 2016?
An exploding football! Not one of those oddly shaped American footballs, but a true football, as the Canonical Mr. Godfrey Staunton played! Canonical!
And el Sherlocko de Nuevo York is climbing upon a ledge with a suicidal murderer. And Joan Watson, she appears, so that she may deal with this criminal with her non-phallic weapon! They follow this success by joining Captain Gregson and Marcus Bell at the new football crime scene, all before the opening credits!
El Sherlocko makes the squinty face upon seeing a gawker at the crime scene and a foot chase through scenic parts of New York, only to be hit by a car . . . that Canonical vehicle we all remember from "His Last Bow." It gives him a cut upon his head, just as Sherlock Holmes suffered a head wound in "The Illustrious Client," a story Elementary draws much from. (Only a fool would waste his Conan Doyle Estate licensing fees on the Adventures or Memoirs!)
"It is almost five years since you committed to becoming a detective!" Joan's Sherlocko tells her, calling out her careers as a doctor, a sober companion, and now a consulting detective to ask if she intends to continue this career. Before she can follow that line of reasoning, they are called to question the gawker who had escaped, later caught by Gregson and Bell. Joan will continue as a detective this season, it seems!
Joan's course in the bombing investigation has her looking up Shinwell Johnson, who we also remember from the Canon, now a professional spit-bucket-emptier since his latest term of prison. While not Canonically mentioned in the Canon, spit-bucket-emptying of the 1800s was once celebrated in a classic Saturday Night Live skit, so Don Murillo will accept it as fair adaptation. Don Murillo is a truly generous man! Just ask the people of San Pedro!
And now, a newly classic line, as classic as when Canonical Joan met Canonical Sherlock:
"Mr. Johnson, I presume," Sherlocko says upon meeting Shinwell Johnson, and they share their common histories of drugs, being shot, and having the funny names. Well, at least el Sherlocko does this. Shinwell Johnson seems doubtful about the value of spending time with Joan's partner. Shinwell is rightfully interested in how Joan changed from a doctor to a detective . . . plainly he was not watching the previous four seasons of this show in prison.
As with all the Canonical people of Elementary, el Sherlocko is overly curious as to Joan's emotional ties to Shinwell Johnson, and they must discuss this, as well as more doubts upon Joan's dedication to continuing her current career. This Sherlocko seems to possess less self esteem than the one I met in the Canon. Don Murillo does not know why this is so, as he gets to see the inestimable Joan Watson in her nighclothes on a regular basis, as he does again this season -- Don Murillo's favorite part of every Elementary episode! Does Don Murillo have the crush upon Joan Watson? Don Murillo is a man, is he not?
"I miss helping people," Joan Watson admits to her Sherlocko in this episode. "Now you and me, we're in the punishment business."
Oh, do not say that Joan Watson! This show is Don Murillo's pleasure, not punishment! (And Don Murillo is not the sort of man who mixes the two!)
"Flushing is never going to be safe! Never!" a villain declares at the dramatic peak of this week's episode, leaving the younger of Don Murillo's daughters nervous about pressing the toilet handle during this commercial break, and Don Murillo hopes Joan and El Sherlocko can make flushing safe before the end of the hour. The cook has been very creative in his work this week, and, excuse Don Murillo, as he is getting off the subject with olfactory worries.
El Sherlocko is chewing gum in an attempt to improve his mental powers to make Flushing safe. Which he does, along with Joan and Marcus Bell after much talking in the interrogation room, which is where Elementary saves many dollars on location filming, surely so that Joan may have more fine clothes. Don Murillo only wishes they had said specifically, "Flushing is safe!" for the benefit of his youngest daughter, who still seems nervous over toilet tank explosions.
Joan pays a final call on Shinwell Johnson, at the episode's end, to ask him to go for a walk, as she has decided to help him improve his life to fill the void of not helping people in her life. Don Murillo wishes that it was he who lived in New York, so Joan could help him improve his life. Admittedly, Don Murillo does not live in "Hell, London" as Canonical Shinwell Johnson, or "Hell, New York" as Elementary Shinwell Johnson surely must. But Joan Watson could improve anyone's life, much as the Mary Tyler Moore could take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.
Is Elementary the modern Mary Tyler Moore Show? Don Murillo wonders this.
Fortunately, Don Murillo has a new season of Elementary to find this out, along with Shinwell Johnson.