OH . . . MY . . . GOD . . . .
SPOILER ALERT! I hate Elementary. I'm also giving away pieces of this week's episode. If either of those might cause you upset, better move along now. Now.
This week's Elementary just began with Moriarty calling Mr. Elementary on the phone and delivering lines straight from the Canon. One problem, however.
They were Sherlock Holmes's lines.
What was perhaps the longest bit of Holmes's Canonical dialogue in the show so far, and it was delivered by Mor-fricking-arty. And not a scary, creepily genius version of Moriarty. Just a guy on the phone, sounding like a guy on the phone. And it gets worse.
Moriarty wants to hire Mr. Elementary. Mr. Elementary wants information about the death of Irene Adler, and Moriarty says he'll give it to hiim if Mr. Elementary solves a murder for him.
Yes, now Mr. Elementary is actually letting Moriarty solve the case that fascinates him more than any other. Bad enough that Joan Watson has been played as a victim to Mr. Elementary's little social terrorisms for so much of this year, but now the show's prime detective is letting Moriarty run him around like one more minion in his web? This show isn't about heroes. It's about victims. Always has been. Victims of addiction. Victims of career disaster. Victims of just being less than adept at living in society.
Interestingly, Mr. Elementary makes some small deductions about Moriarty from the phone call. His age, for one. The fact that he comes from Sussex for another. Sussex. That place where the real Sherlock Holmes eventually retired, and to some students of the Master, grew up as well. One almost envisions a classic Sherlock Holmes hanging up the phone with a chuckle and going, "Well, Watson, I've got that New York pretender looking into the case, which is about all it rates."
Joan Watson spends a lot of time spreading peanut butter on bread this episode, which I quite enjoyed. It has kind of a Zen calming effect, watching the smooth, rhythmic motion of the table knife. Ah.
But back to Mr. Elementary. No, wait . . . Joan Watson is talking about Gregson's penis. What is it with this show? Mr. Elementary kicks a soccer ball against an indoor wall, this being his random irritating act for this episode. Find one irritating thing that the real Sherlock Holmes did without an obvious and productive reason for doing it. This show continues to reveal that it just doesn't know how actual smart people work. It's like a stupid person's subjective version of someone of high intelligence, "This is what they act like. I don't know why they act like that, but this is how they are!"
. . . and Moriarty is back, telling Mr. Elementary he's not done enough and that there's more he needs to find out about the case. Let's think about that for a moment. It's almost like our boy has a mentor in Sussex who actually knows how to solve a case.
Man, you have to like the sound of Jonny Lee Miller's voice to like this show. And that accent, which is completely wrong for Holmes and makes me wish I had Professor Higgins's ability to place his upbringing . . . wait . . . what? Mr. Elementary just made a reference to the smell of Joan Watson's urine. Seriously, people think this is a good show? Seriously? I am as baffled as I was back in September and October of last year.
After monologue after monologue by Mr. Elementary, he tag-team solves the case with Joan Watson, Bell, and Gregson. They're a pretty solid team for those few minutes of the show, which might be cool if they actually were a team the rest of the time. One more random bit of writing in a random show.
And the last scene of this week's Elementary? The thing that makes Mr. Elementary wrinkle up his face in fussy-baby emotion? More random writing. Oh, look, the whole reason for his original breakdown and addiction, the whole crux of this show, seems to be a lie . . . a lie that he wasn't smart enough to see at square one. Or else we're talking twins, the most hackneyed soap opera twist of all.
They say that dogs have a more highly developed sense of smell than ours, by a multiple of thousands. And yet dogs seem to enjoy sniffing crotches and poo. In that same fashion, perhaps my brain is just not highly developed enough for Elementary. Because it sure looks like crap to me.