Thursday, September 19, 2013

Welcome to Elementary Vale.

The pellucid marble that is our universe spins down its invisible track of brass rails. Great forces whirl and explode outward. The smallest of creatures runs on an unending track. An ancient bell does not ring, and yet a hollow god smashes to the floor. Man is trapped and the marble rolls on.

Welcome to Elementary Vale.

Ta ta ta ting . . . .

Well, dear readers, it has been a full summer since Mr. Elementary came wandering into our homes on Thursday nights, to spend an hour showing us how to dominate conversations and limit beard growth by seeming force of will. So that his reappearance does not cause a disturbing transition period for anyone, I am happy to give a brief review of facts about Mr. Elementary which you may have forgotten, or had removed by targeted alcohol consumption, during your summer fun.

Mr. Elementary likes to apply his own tattoos. Most pretend not to notice that he has, through sheer chance, been covered in tattoos identical to that of actor Jonny Lee Miller. Miller has been quoted as saying, simply, that it is a parallel he shares with Mr. Elementary. Mr. Elementary, curiously, has never been heard to mention the actor’s name.

Mr. Elementary can hypnotize himself.

Angus, the phrenology bust, sacrificed himself in the single heroic act in his self-centered life. He is dead now, despite anything you might hear or see to the contrary.

Mr. Elementary has used children to find a serial killer. But not that time a children was a serial killer.

Dr. Watson proudly acquitted her gender reassignment by the Creator, and has all the fellows cheering as a beautiful, if reserved, co-tenant for Mr. Elementary. We can only hope that Hudson, that Miss who might one day hope to be a Mrs., gets more opportunities to do the same this year.

Mr. Elementary named a species of bee after Dr. Watson, the Euglassia Watsonia. Canny watchers noted that a man named Jack Tracy once named a book after Sherlock Holmes in a similar fashion, called The Encyclopaedia Sherlockiana.

She of the long blonde tresses, who was once Mr. Elementary’s lover, successfully passed through her Irene Adler personality, as well as her Moriarty personality. Viewers were left wondering whose personality she might adopt in the coming year. Our office betting pool has Violet Hunter in the lead, followed by Kitty Winter, with Jabez Wilson holding down the long shot position. We already have a Dr. Watson, thank goodness, so he was not allowed in the pool, despite the wishes of Bismark the intern!

Mr. Elementary’s friend Clyde is not a bull pup, but a turtle. Off screen, it is said he has a bull pup that can get quite nasty when one denies his turtle heritage. We still do not know, however, if it is a temper or a gun.

Mary Watson is Dr. Watson’s mother.

Mr. Elementary had never heard of Sebastian Moran until Moran told him his name and told him to look him up in the papers. He did not specify which papers.

Remember, good readers, that the following things that were NOT revealed in the last season of Elementary:  Mr. Elementary’s time as a Baker Street Irregular, working for Mr. Sherlock Holmes, before the madness set in. The dates and amounts of the payments that Father Elementary made to certain corrupt NYPD officials. The exact make-up of the mixture mentioned in an otherwise redacted document called “Nielsen Plus” that was designed to combine with fluoride in the water to form a psychoactive compound. These things, having not been revealed, are best forgotten, and were certainly not mentioned in the paragraph preceding these words.

On that note, dear readers, I will leave you to await the week ahead before Mr. Elementary comes stepping back into your homes on photonic beams. And when I say “a head,” I definitely do not mean Angus, or what is left of Angus, or might be called Angus when he shows up in Mr. Elementary’s rooms unbidden. He was only a phrenology bust, after all, and nothing you should give a thought to as you close your eyes to go to sleep tonight. So good night, dear readers. Good night.

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