Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Deeply flawed jokes about Sherlock Holmes.

Okay, yesterday's post was waaaayyyy too cranky, and even though I wrote a follow up to it just now, I simply can't go there tonight. Time for a palate cleanser. Time for some deeply flawed jokes about Sherlock Holmes.


Knock knock.

Who's there?


Watson who?

If Conan Doyle hadn't put his name on all these books, you'd know who the hell I am!


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go to an inn to spend the night.

They have a hearty supper and go to bed, and as they lie there, waiting to fall asleep, Holmes says, "Watson, look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

Dr. Watson looks up and says, "I see a new moon coming out from behind a small cloud. I see the stars that some say we will one day travel to. I see tentacles of darkness reaching out from beyond space and time to ensnare tomorrow's sun and plunge us all into an eternal void. What do you see Holmes?"

"Brownish powder burning on the lamp! Out the window, Watson, it's the Devil's Foot Root again!"


Who is buried in Sherlock Holmes's tomb?

Moriarty's corpse with a facial prosthesis -- didn't you see the start of "Empty Hearse?"


How many Scotland Yard detectives does it take to change a light bulb?

None, once Sherlock Holmes explains that it wasn't a burnt-out light bulb after all, but a light whose switch had been purposefully turned off!


Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar and orders a gin.

The bartender pours him a drink, Holmes downs it and orders another. The bartender refills his glass.

This repeats seventeen times until Sherlock Holmes has been served and drank seventeen straight servings of eighty proof gin.

"Bartender!" Sherlock Holmes protests. "I've had seventeen gins! Why am I not drunk?"

"Elementary, Mr. Sherlock Holmes," the bartender retorts. "You've been using a magnifying glass!"


Why did Sherlock Holmes cross the road?

Because it was January 4th, and Moriarty's path was taking him down that road.


How do you make a re-agent which is precipitated by haemogoblins?

Tell the retired haemodwarf and haemoelf agents that the haemogoblins were the ones who killed their parents.


Knock knock.

Who's there?

Mrs. Hudson.

Mrs. Hudson who?

You beast! I knocked you up, and you don't even remember my name!


Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, and Arthur Conan Doyle go skydiving.

Sherlock jumps first, his parachute fails to open, and he falls to his death.

Dr. Watson is beside himself with grief. Conan Doyle looks very guilty for a moment.

Sherlock Holmes comes out of the plane's cockpit.

"PSYCH!" yells Conan Doyle.


Dr. Watson stops by 221B Baker Street to visit Sherlock Holmes.

"Congratulate me!" Watson tells him. "I talked Mary into letting me buy that 85" LED HD television I had my eye on! It's beautiful!"

Sherlock Holmes was unimpressed.

"You forget, Watson," he replied with a wave of his fingers. "I have a V.R. wall."


Okay, that feels better. On with the blogging . . . .


  1. I found some of those to be brilliant - like the one where Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes and Watson go skydiving and the Scotland Yard one! :-)

    Some time ago, I enjoyed writing some Sherlockian jokes too. Here they are:

  2. Thank god you didn't lay the tent joke on us. I still remember how telling that joke on Hounds-L many moons ago would send your little buddy Burr off the deep end.

    1. I was waiting for that one. Didn't happen. :-(