Friday, December 9, 2016

My Cabinet post qualifications.

We're seeing an American presidential transition like none in living memory at present, and no one is quite sure what may happen next. There is a definitely fearsome aspect to mystery and uncertainty, as any reader of Sherlock Holmes tales can tell you, but there is also, with the right point of view, opportunity to be found in such situations.

Now, the word "opportunist" is ripe with negative connotation, but think upon this for a minute -- in a world where anything can happen, anything can happen. And if we're heading into a presidency where unprecedented things are going to go on, why not something as unprecedented as . . . say . . . a Cabinet post called "the Secretary of Sherlock Holmes Affairs."

Why do we need a Department of Sherlock Holmes Affairs, with it's own Cabinet Secretary?

Well, for many reasons, which you should impart to the president-elect if you happen to have his ear.

Reason Number One: Sherlock Holmes is more popular than ever, and his popularity is growing, a growth that America should keep a firm handle on within its borders.

Reason Number Two: There has never been a Department of Sherlock Holmes Affairs, and such being the case, we have a void in leadership when it comes to matters of Sherlock Holmes in America that could put us at a disadvantage in dealing with the leaders of Sherlock Holmes affairs in China or the Middle East. (Should such arise.)

Reason Number Three: The United States of America broke away from England in 1776, taking with it the English language, the Imperial System of measurement, and Alexander Hamilton. It's time we officially broke away from England a second time and took some more things from England, including Sherlock Holmes. (Yes, this is very silly, but look at some of the other things we're heading toward.)

Reason Number Four: Our new president could make history by being the first president in history to have a Secretary of Sherlock Holmes Affair . . . a real prestige item, a sort of Cabinet luxury position that says, "I can afford unnecessary Cabinet Secretaries like no leader before!"

And, best of all, Reason Number Five: Because the president-elect could appoint me, Brad Keefauver, as the Secretary of Sherlock Holmes Affairs.

"But, Brad," you say, "isn't the president-elect filling his Cabinet with people who are seemingly antithetical to the departments they're heading up? A Secretary of Education who doesn't like public education, a head of the Environmental Protection Agency known for suing that same agency? But you love Sherlock Holmes!"

Now think for a minute: Who is the most Nielsen-popular Sherlock Holmes in America? Who is the Sherlock Holmes a standard, network-TV-watching, not-so-fancy-pants-literate guy like the president-elect is probably most familiar with?

The one on CBS's Elementary. 

Now name the American citizen who has most often and most publicly come out against CBS's Elementary . . . 

Uh-huh. You're getting the picture. This guy.

The perfect pick for Secretary of Sherlock Holmes Affairs.

Like I said, there is opportunity to be found when all the old rules go out the window. Anything can happen.

So let's make Sherlock Holmes great again, eh? Or a least pretend we're doing that while we get me some extra cash and a few more blog post readers. Which I can definitely promise will happen as your new Secretary of Sherlock Holmes Affairs.

I'll keep my phone handy.

No comments:

Post a Comment