Sunday, June 5, 2016

A Survival Guide to the World of Sherlock Holmes.

Given the wonders of virtual reality technology, fan-fueled industry, and general trends, it seems entirely possible that within a few decades, one might actually find one's self in the world of Sherlock Holmes. Being a forward-thinking individual, as I am, that thought led me quickly to the possibilities of inherent dangers in living in Holmes's world . . . and how we might have some initial casualties when the gates to Holmes-world are finally opened.

So in the interest of helping future humanity as only Sherlockians can, it seemed like we should start compiling a survival guide of sorts to the world of Sherlock Holmes, to protect newbies from having to learning everything the hard way. Here is my preliminary list:

Key Rules for Survival in the World of Sherlock Holmes

1. Do not force marriage upon any woman who does not want to join your religion.

2. If you have an aortic aneurysm, don't even go there. Stay in an era with heart surgery.

3. Do not steal treasure or let your relatives steal treasure.

4. Do not try to kill Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, or members of Scotland Yard. They will shoot you.

5. If you are involved in any sort of criminal enterprise that involves multiple people, find a way to dispose of the others before assuming any sort of new life. Save yourself all sorts of trouble later.

6. Do not let your mother re-marry. Step-fathers are bad news.

7. Do not marry a woman who already has children. Step-children can get you killed.

8. Don't date Celtic women. Or Greek women. Or Creole women. Or women of any nationality with an "excitable nature."

9. Do not mess with horses.

10. Don't let your sister go to England.

11. If you must practice crime, avoid blackmail.

12. Have no dealings with sea captains. Or seamen.

13. Do not put your hands upon the person of Russian women.

14. Don't go swimming, either on purpose or by accident.

15. Do not have affairs with the wives of chess players.

And the big one . . . .

16. In general, just don't kill yourself, other people, or attempt to kill other people.

This is, of course, just a crude starter list. T'were a complete handbook to be compiled on the subject, I'm sure Canonical non-survival rates could dwindle to zero if said handbook were followed.

Of course, the best thing of all is just to keep the world of Sherlock Holmes at a safe distance . . . say, the arm's length it takes to hold a book, and stay in a cozy chair whilst doing so. We don't have statistics on how many Sherlockians have met their end while immersed in the world of Sherlock Holmes while reading as they walked, drove, or performed other tasks needing more focus than accompanying Holmes allows. But even that can be a very dangerous thing.

So take care, my friends. Take care, however you visit Mr. Sherlock Holmes.


  1. Have to disagree on numbers 3, 8, 12 (I was a seaman once) and 13. Strongly agree with 14 (I was a seaman who could not swim). Best to stick with number 16.

  2. Ah. I thought this was more of a 'boil the water before you drink it' kind of survival guide.

    How about "Beware of any packets/packages one might receive in the mail, lest they contain body parts/fruit seeds."?