Saturday, February 14, 2015

Time for a man-to-man with ol' Benedict Arnold Cumberbatch.

"Wow. Benedict Cumberbatch got married!"

"Don't tell me such tragic news before I start a nap."

"He's getting married, that's happy!"

"Not if it ruins my chance at him after I divorce you."

Great move, Cumberbatch. You not only ruined Valentine's Day for the millions and millions of Cumberbitches out there. You didn't do us significant others of Cumberbitches any favors either. Or guys in general.

Let's be honest now. If guys could get rid of any holiday on the calendar, make it go *poof!* and never have existed, no leave any after-effects in its wake, what would that holiday be?

Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is a holiday a man can only lose at. There is no winning, just performing up to expectations, and those expectations can be unimaginably high. And just like bridal boutiques, every business that can milk this moment of expectation just makes matters worse for all involved. Just like you, Benedict Cumberbatch.

I mean, did you have to marry your sweetheart on Valentine's Day, of all days, giving the thing that much more power by your act of obeisance to Cupid's will? Have you not been attending your guy code meetings? What's up with you, Benny boy?

Sure, we don't expect you to be Sherlock Holmes in real life. There was a man's man. No "softer passions" without "a gibe and a sneer." Not letting such influences unbalance his keen intellect. Colonel Valentine Walter was the only card he'd accept, and then only wrapped in the box of prison bars. But getting married on Valentine's Day itself? Would even Watson go that far?

You don't see Jonny Lee Miller doing this kind of stuff. So as much as I might have had a problem or two with his Sherlock show this week, I'm afraid it's getting a few more shillings on its side of the balance scale today, thanks to Jonny Lee not getting married today.

Yep, it's like that, Benedict. Oh . . . and you're a husband now. Don't go spoiling that for the rest of us, either.

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